Christmas 2023

 

Merry Christmas Family and Friends!  Every year, I strive to complete all my Christmas tasks early (or at least on time.  However, it seems like every year, I find myself always rushing and getting things done late (or not getting them done at all).  Last Christmas (2022), while spending the holiday in Hawaii, my entire family had Covid.  This year, it's a whole slew of things.  Needless to say, gifts and Christmas cards were sent late (I'm surprised I got them made at all), and the house is not Christmas-ready (Josh will probably say otherwise).  

Just to recap our year, the first half was uneventful.  Sam completed 6th grade and is now halfway through 7th grade.  We got to spend Spring break with Mom and Dad and got to visit a lot of different places.  

Last July, Josh and I celebrated 20 years of marriage.  We visited Niagara Falls (I've always wanted to go) and spent a couple of days in Toronto.  Last September, I went back to work.  I currently work at Sam's school as an Instructional Assistant for SPED (Paraprofessional as it is commonly known).  I am slowly easing back into the workforce after staying home for 5 years.  It is perfect for us because Sam and I have the same schedule, I have guaranteed weekends and holidays off, and I also get to enjoy winter and summer breaks with Sam.  

Sam is thriving well in school.  He is in the IMS (Integrated Math and Science) program, and he is enjoying the challenge (especially Algebra).  He is also in Robotics Club, National History Day Club, and Gaming Club this year.  He is active with the Youth Group in church.  He is also becoming very good with playing his guitar.  He's been playing a lot of Red Hot Chili Peppers, some Cold Play, and some classic rock.  He has grown so much over the past year, I can't believe he will be a bonafide teenager next week!

This past Thanksgiving, we were blessed to have Barbara, Steve, Jenny, and Chance with us.  There is so much to be thankful for, and having family to spend the holidays with makes it so much more special.  

With joy also comes sadness.  The week before thanksgiving, Josh's Dad left his earthly body to be with the Lord.  We were able to travel to Oklahoma for his funeral and said our goodbyes.  We are grateful for the times we were able to spend him.  He will be missed.

As I finish this rather long electronic Christmas letter/card, I want you to know that no matter what kind of year you had, may it be good or bad, that I am praying for you.  I also pray that the next year will be better and more fruitful.  I wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Joyous New Year!  I love and miss you all!

All my Heart,

Gigi

If I'm Being Honest: Life, Loss, Joy, Sadness, and Hope in the Time of Covid

Over 10 years ago, Josh wanted me to experience snow, and what better way to do that than to go to Europe.  We chose Germany as our destination and planned to visit neighboring countries like Austria and Switzerland.  Liechtenstein was a bonus.  And yes, I got to experience snow.  In our drive to Zurich, Josh and I went through a 30+ mile tunnel in Austria.  I remember feeling claustrophobic...which I am not.  The tunnel was mostly dark, except for the faint lights that were installed.  After miles of driving in the semi-lit tunnel, there were sections where there was a view of the side of the mountains; a refreshing view of snow and trees.  In those sections, it felt like a sigh of relief. Then you get plunged back into the darkness.  Thirty miles may seem a short distance... but when you're driving in the tunnel, it feels endless and suffocating.

That's how this pandemic feels like to me so far.  When it started, we were plunged into darkness; just like how it felt when we started driving into the tunnel.  We adapted, did the best we could, but could never feel comfortable.  I felt suffocated and constantly anxious.  As we move into the summer, then into fall, the cases continue to rise and we dug in.  As you drive deeper into the tunnel, the world gets darker, just as mine did.  The last news you want to hear in the already bleak world is the news that a family member has caught Covid.  You get plunged deeper into darkness with no end or light in sight.  

In a span of 4 weeks last November/December, we lost my Great Uncle Joe and my Nana Sel to Covid.  We also lost my aunt Macy (not from Covid).  We had so many family members who got Covid but thankfully, recovered.  For two months, I lived in constant anxiety, fear, and overwhelming sadness and grief.  Then hope came, just as I had moments in that tunnel to see the light, the vaccine gave me a sigh of relief.  We got our shot as soon as it became available to us.  I was hopeful that we can finally get through this pandemic, only to get plunged into darkness again.  We lost my grandpa (my Dad's Dad) back in May.  So many losses in such short amount of time.  So much sadness and grief for my family in a span of 5 months.  

Despite all that, there was also joy.  My niece, Amelia, was born last January and she has been a joy to behold; such a happy baby!  I long for the day that I get to hold her (she lives in Australia with her Mommy and Papa).  Thank goodness for technology; we may not be with her but we can still watch her grow.  Covid cases were declining and it felt like we might be coming out of it.  After two years, we finally got to go to Hawaii to see my family and Sam got to spend 5 weeks with his Mama and Papa.  My sister Jenny bought her first home!  It was starting to feel normal again.

Each of these events in my life reminded me of those sections of view in the tunnel.  However, as the Covid cases increase again, I feel like I am being sucked back into that dark tunnel.  I am hopeful though that like the tunnel that ended 30 miles or so later, that this tunnel of Covid will also end.  At this moment though, I am struggling in so many levels.  

I know I am rambling, but if I'm being honest, sometimes I question God why this happened to my family?  We're doing the right thing protecting ourselves and others.  We wear masks, got the vaccine when we could, take every precaution not only for ourselves, but also for others.  Yet, our family still got sick and we still experienced loss.  If I'm being honest, I sometimes wish that those who deny the pandemic as being real or those who refuse to wear masks or get the vaccine be the one to get it.  They keep claiming their right to make a decision for themselves, to not be bound by any rules or be told what to do.  What about my right to live, my right to not be infected, my right not to die?  What about their responsibility to protect others just as I have made it my responsibility to protect them?  You will never know or understand the depth of loss and grief, watching the impact of Covid until it happens to you.  The isolation, the frustration of not being able with your love ones, the guilt, and wishing for one more day.  It is unbearable.  It happened to me and my family.  If I'm being honest, I've snoozed, blocked, or unfriended my friends on social media who posts conspiracy theories, non-science based information, or memes that provide misinformation.  If I'm being honest, I've become skeptical of religion because most people I see perpetuating false information or not considering the needs of others over their personal desires are those that at the same token, constantly posts about being a "Christian."  I know it's not right to criticize, and I am not even close to being a good Christian, but I guess I am just disappointed that I used to have such admiration for these people for the faith that they have.  I felt disillusioned that at one point in my life, I felt that they are my models of what a good Christian is.

In my moments of darkness, I struggle with my faith, I'm not going to lie. I am angry, sad, anxious, frustrated.  But in those moments when I do feel so far from God, when I am barely holding on by a string, I pull myself towards Him over and over again.  I remind myself that my faith does not rely on people or any religion, my faith is in God alone and His word.  Everyday, He reminds me that He is never far.  In my struggles, He shows me that I am not alone through texts or calls from friends, a quote in a book, a song. 

As I'm finishing this up, the church service is on praise and worship and this song sums up my feelings right now:

"Your promise still stands

 Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness

I'm still in Your hands

This is my confidence

You've never failed me yet.

I've seen You move, You move the mountains

And I believe I'll see You do it again

You made a way when there was no way

And I believe I'll see You do it again." 

("Do it Again" ~ Elevation Worship)

Even in my darkest moments, He's never failed me.  In my sorrow and unbelief, He stuck by me. I will continue to be hopeful.  I know this tunnel will end, I just don't know when.  I also want to share that if your are struggling, you are not alone.  And if you need a friend, DM, text, email, or call me.  Be well, friends.  God is good, all the time.

Ramblings on Covid, Friendships, and Life in General.

I don't know about you, but 2020 has been hard on me. It's not just because of Covid-19, though a large part of why it's been hard can be attributed to it.  When schools shut down back in March, routines were changed, lifestyles were changed.  I, among many has been forced to adapt to a new normal.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever thought that in my lifetime, I would be a witness to a pandemic that I only read in history books.  Yet here we are.

The pandemic has forced us to shelter in...for an introvert like me, it's not hard, or so I thought.  Let me tell you though, even an introvert like me is having a hard time staying in.  Pre-Covid, I didn't leave the house much.  I would have coffee/lunch with friends maybe 2-3 times a month.  My going out of the house included food shopping, going to the cafe to read my book, or just walking around Target hoping I wouldn't spend $100 while I'm in there, just to pass time.  Covid has taken that away from me and it's hard.  It's hard not to see friends.  It's hard not to walk around Target and not feel afraid that I am exposing myself to the virus, and taking it home to my family (yes, I am a bit paranoid).  Covid is making me feel isolated and lonely (I'm sure I'm not alone in this).  Granted, we still leave the house, because we need to...because if we (my family and I) don't, we will lose our minds no matter how introverted we are.  We go for walks, we go to the store, we see some friends (just a few), we go to Starbucks, and just recently, we went to see the fall colors in the Shenandoa.  Each and every time we leave the house though, is a decision of living our lives, as safely as possible and take the risk, or go stir crazy and not take any risk.  Making choices are difficult because there is no way of knowing what the outcome will be.  

Earlier in the pandemic, when people were forced to stay at home, Zoom and video calls became the best way to connect.  I got to talk and see my elementary and high school classmates and friends from many corners of the world for hours at a time, some of them I have not seen or spoken to in nearly 20 years.  Life despite Covid was  not as lonely.  But as the pandemic dragged on and restrictions were lifted, life returned to as normal as possible, the video calls waned.  Isolation and loneliness increased and started to take its toll.

I know I have a point I'm trying to make, so bear with me.  I'm trying to share who I am, without oversharing.  Anyway, as feelings of isolation and loneliness takes its toll, so does anger and frustration to things that we can't control.  The emotional roller coaster has got me on a fritz, and more than ever, the need to reach out to someone increased day by day.  It's like a vicious cycle though because the more I need to have a human connection, the more frustrated I feel, and the more I need to have that human connection.  I miss my friends, near and far.  

During one of my "difficult days," I found myself on the phone with a good friend who is on the opposite coast from me and I am reminded of this quote I saw on Good Housekeeping that said "True friends are never apart, maybe in distance but never in heart."  Boy, did that just hit the mark of my friendship with her (we've also been friends since high school btw). 

 I have friends; not many, but the friendships I have are wonderful friendships.  They are those that defy space and time; the kind where even if it's been 20 years since you spoke, it feels like you just saw each other yesterday.  But even with the friendships I have, I sometimes have days wanting to have "my person."  You know, that person next door, who on hard days, you can just bring your favorite bottle of wine, knock on their door, say you had the shittiest day (pardon my French), and just have that big cry until all the wine is gone and all you have is a full heart because you had a shoulder to cry on (I know I'm rambling).  But today, I realize that "my person(s)" do not need to live next door (they just have to have a phone), and that friendships are not measured by how often you see each other, how many girl's day/night's out you've had.  Good, quality friendships are those that in any part of the day or month or year, would send you a text message saying "I'm thinking of you."  It is those that call you after they have been doing their errands and say "I am coming to see you," even if it's from 6 feet away.  It is those that no matter the distance, on a night when you feel so broken, would talk to you and at the end of that phone call, make you laugh and make you feel whole again.  

I haven't written a blog for a while because in all honesty, nothing has inspired me to do so.  Today I was inspired, encouraged and blessed.  I wanted to share to you  how lucky I am to have their friendship.  These days are hard friends, but this is my way of saying thank you for your friendship and that I am also here for you. 

Speaking of blessed, I got this pleasant surprised today.  THANK YOU!
 

P.S.  My friend who sent me this surprise (you know how you are 😉 also told me I write well (not so sure about that, but thank you for your confidence) inspired me to write this blog.

  

Mother's Day

I have celebrated Mother's Day for 8 years.  This time each year reminds me of the struggle with infertility, the challenges we had to go through; the long wait, the heartaches, the disappointments and the endless praying that we be blessed with even just one.  God has blessed me.  And every year, I am very grateful for the opportunity to be a mom.  Being a mom has been the job I wanted the most, but it's also the job that I feel I fail the most.  Most days I feel like I have an 8-year old son going 16.  He is smart and inquisitive and sometimes, argumentative and feisty.  More and more, I question myself if I am fit for this job.  But my son, he surprises me with his wisdom.   He made me this card at school, and I am blessed to know that even in my failures, he loves me and that he will always love me.

"I love you, just like you love me."   ~ Samuel Askew, age 8

I may be doing something right, friends. 

Happy Mother's Day!

How do you define success?

It's been 6 months since I quit my job and moved back to Virginia.  My priority has been clear and still remains:  my family.  Taking care of Sam and watching him grow is first and foremost for me right now.  Money can be earned later; time, I can never get back.  Once in a while, I get into a contemplative state; sometimes into a depressive state.  Some days I feel useless and less of a person by not contributing to the family financially.  Josh assures me that I may not bring an income, but that the contribution I bring is far worth more than the money I can bring.

It makes sense when he explains that to me.  I understand because we agreed that our family always comes first.  But now and again, I still feel that pang of failure.  I have no career at the moment.  I can't see myself in 5 years.   I get into a state of self-deprecation.  I cry and tell my husband what a failure I am.  Tonight, he asked me:  why do you think you're a failure?  How do you define success?

It is a daunting question to me. I've always thought that success is defined by your status in life:  how far you've come in your career, how much money you have in your account, how many places you've been, or how much 401K you've saved up for your future.  I mean, isn't CEOs, famous movie stars, successful businessmen considered successful?

I never thought that success can also be...simple.  I have a God who loves me, provides for me and my family, and gave me a wonderful husband who stands by me even in my lowest moments.  God gave me a son, who cherishes me and forgives me even when i'm not his perfect mom.  I have a roof over my head and food on the table.  My success lies in having my family who loves me and having time with them for as much as God will allow me to.  I am successful in my own way, in what I have.  How about you?

"Is it not my family God has chosen?  Yes, he has made an everlasting covenant with me.  His agreement is arranged and guaranteed in every detail.  He will ensure my safety and success." 2 Samuel 23:5

Jeremiah 29:11

The last 4 years went by like a blink of an eye.  Life passes you by and moves on without looking back.  My journey through life has involved so many moves...maybe not as much as it would have been if Josh didn't leave the military.  But moving is part of life.  It's an adventure.  How boring can life be if we all just stay in one place and never leave. 

Our new adventure began last August.  Our life in Hawaii, though stable, was not exactly what we were looking for.  It was home, but I never felt settled.  Life was busy, stressful.  I was so busy that I missed part of Sam's growing up.  I was so stressed out that fun didn't feel fun.  I worked so hard I was just going through the motions.  Life passed me by.  It's hard to explain the feeling of constantly running after time.  There was never enough time.  No time to nurture my interests, always being pulled to so many directions out of responsibility.  I didn't stop to "smell the roses" because there was always something that was needed to do.  I never got to write down my thoughts like I am doing right now.  I have lost my sense of self because I was too busy.

I needed to slow down.  I needed to get to know myself again.  Hawaii is a beautiful place; the sun, the ocean, the mountains just beckon at you to enjoy it and explore.  Having family around was great.  But I was always so stressed and tired to appreciate it.  My husband and I talked it over.  Housing market was just tremendously high.  Even with two incomes, we felt we would just be scraping by.  We had to evaluate the pros and cons of staying.  At the end of the day, we decided it is just too expensive to live in Hawaii.  Perspective varies from people to people.  Our perspective was that our quality of life, MY quality of life have not been the greatest.  We decided it was time to move again. 

God has been amazing in our journey.  He has made the transition so easy.  As soon as we decided to move, Josh got a job.  Our tenants vacated our town home. It was going to be tight, but Josh and I decided that I will stay home and will go back to work when I am ready.  You see, during my stay in Hawaii, I felt that my chosen profession, the one I slaved over in college, giving up sleep and drinking buckets of coffee.  The profession that I thought I will do for the rest of my life, because the cause of much stress and unhappiness.  I decided that we need to move so that I can find me.  So I can figure out what to do in my life.  At 38, I can't believe that I am entertaining the thought of changing careers.  That frustrates me.  I am disappointed with myself.  I am angry at myself.  What have I become?

I am still struggling.  Still searching.  Still praying for God to lead me.  I am blessed to have a husband who supports me in this struggle.  Who understands my failures.  Who lifts me up when I am down.  My heart aches for the need to be someone, but at this moment in time, I don't know what I want to become.  And so my sojourn, our journey begins yet another chapter...hopefully one that will last for a while.  Jeremiah 29:11 says; "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future."  I am clinging on that promise. 

Let me tell you something….

Let me tell you something…i've been thinking a lot about you lately.  How we met, how we became friends, how our kids became good friends and playmates.  Let me tell you how I enjoyed our play dates, mommy dates in Starbucks, donuts and coffee, shopping, and those occasional dinners on the rare mom's night out we had.  Let me tell you how I miss our ranting, our talks about heartaches, our chit chats about people who's done us wrong.   Let me tell you how much I miss summer, fall, and winter, because those days reminds me of birthdays and special occasions that I got to spend with you.

Let me tell you what I don't miss.  I don't miss Spring.  I don't miss the time I left.  I don't miss the sadness, the disappointment, the loss I felt when I moved away.  I don't miss the anger, the hopelessness, the wishing and wanting for something that I can no longer have.  Let me tell you that the choice was hard, but that it was something that I had to do.  Let me tell you that I wish I was a better friend, but that I was not.

Let me tell you…that I miss you.  Let me tell you that the only thing that is standing between you and me is pride.  My pride…and maybe yours too.  But I want you to know that I'm working on it…I'm working on my pride.  And someday, I want you to know, I will reach out to you, because I care about you.  Let me tell you that I am afraid that you will reject me.  But I hope you won't.  So let me tell you this, friend:  I love you.  Always.


Gigi