I may be doing something right, friends.
Happy Mother's Day!
Sunday, May 12, 2019
Mother's Day
I have celebrated Mother's Day for 8 years. This time each year reminds me of the struggle with infertility, the challenges we had to go through; the long wait, the heartaches, the disappointments and the endless praying that we be blessed with even just one. God has blessed me. And every year, I am very grateful for the opportunity to be a mom. Being a mom has been the job I wanted the most, but it's also the job that I feel I fail the most. Most days I feel like I have an 8-year old son going 16. He is smart and inquisitive and sometimes, argumentative and feisty. More and more, I question myself if I am fit for this job. But my son, he surprises me with his wisdom. He made me this card at school, and I am blessed to know that even in my failures, he loves me and that he will always love me.
"I love you, just like you love me." ~ Samuel Askew, age 8
I may be doing something right, friends.
Happy Mother's Day!
I may be doing something right, friends.
Happy Mother's Day!
Sunday, March 17, 2019
How do you define success?
It's been 6 months since I quit my job and moved back to Virginia. My priority has been clear and still remains: my family. Taking care of Sam and watching him grow is first and foremost for me right now. Money can be earned later; time, I can never get back. Once in a while, I get into a contemplative state; sometimes into a depressive state. Some days I feel useless and less of a person by not contributing to the family financially. Josh assures me that I may not bring an income, but that the contribution I bring is far worth more than the money I can bring.
It makes sense when he explains that to me. I understand because we agreed that our family always comes first. But now and again, I still feel that pang of failure. I have no career at the moment. I can't see myself in 5 years. I get into a state of self-deprecation. I cry and tell my husband what a failure I am. Tonight, he asked me: why do you think you're a failure? How do you define success?
It is a daunting question to me. I've always thought that success is defined by your status in life: how far you've come in your career, how much money you have in your account, how many places you've been, or how much 401K you've saved up for your future. I mean, isn't CEOs, famous movie stars, successful businessmen considered successful?
I never thought that success can also be...simple. I have a God who loves me, provides for me and my family, and gave me a wonderful husband who stands by me even in my lowest moments. God gave me a son, who cherishes me and forgives me even when i'm not his perfect mom. I have a roof over my head and food on the table. My success lies in having my family who loves me and having time with them for as much as God will allow me to. I am successful in my own way, in what I have. How about you?
"Is it not my family God has chosen? Yes, he has made an everlasting covenant with me. His agreement is arranged and guaranteed in every detail. He will ensure my safety and success." 2 Samuel 23:5
It makes sense when he explains that to me. I understand because we agreed that our family always comes first. But now and again, I still feel that pang of failure. I have no career at the moment. I can't see myself in 5 years. I get into a state of self-deprecation. I cry and tell my husband what a failure I am. Tonight, he asked me: why do you think you're a failure? How do you define success?
It is a daunting question to me. I've always thought that success is defined by your status in life: how far you've come in your career, how much money you have in your account, how many places you've been, or how much 401K you've saved up for your future. I mean, isn't CEOs, famous movie stars, successful businessmen considered successful?
I never thought that success can also be...simple. I have a God who loves me, provides for me and my family, and gave me a wonderful husband who stands by me even in my lowest moments. God gave me a son, who cherishes me and forgives me even when i'm not his perfect mom. I have a roof over my head and food on the table. My success lies in having my family who loves me and having time with them for as much as God will allow me to. I am successful in my own way, in what I have. How about you?
"Is it not my family God has chosen? Yes, he has made an everlasting covenant with me. His agreement is arranged and guaranteed in every detail. He will ensure my safety and success." 2 Samuel 23:5
Friday, February 22, 2019
Jeremiah 29:11
The last 4 years went by like a blink of an eye. Life passes you by and moves on without looking back. My journey through life has involved so many moves...maybe not as much as it would have been if Josh didn't leave the military. But moving is part of life. It's an adventure. How boring can life be if we all just stay in one place and never leave.
Our new adventure began last August. Our life in Hawaii, though stable, was not exactly what we were looking for. It was home, but I never felt settled. Life was busy, stressful. I was so busy that I missed part of Sam's growing up. I was so stressed out that fun didn't feel fun. I worked so hard I was just going through the motions. Life passed me by. It's hard to explain the feeling of constantly running after time. There was never enough time. No time to nurture my interests, always being pulled to so many directions out of responsibility. I didn't stop to "smell the roses" because there was always something that was needed to do. I never got to write down my thoughts like I am doing right now. I have lost my sense of self because I was too busy.
I needed to slow down. I needed to get to know myself again. Hawaii is a beautiful place; the sun, the ocean, the mountains just beckon at you to enjoy it and explore. Having family around was great. But I was always so stressed and tired to appreciate it. My husband and I talked it over. Housing market was just tremendously high. Even with two incomes, we felt we would just be scraping by. We had to evaluate the pros and cons of staying. At the end of the day, we decided it is just too expensive to live in Hawaii. Perspective varies from people to people. Our perspective was that our quality of life, MY quality of life have not been the greatest. We decided it was time to move again.
God has been amazing in our journey. He has made the transition so easy. As soon as we decided to move, Josh got a job. Our tenants vacated our town home. It was going to be tight, but Josh and I decided that I will stay home and will go back to work when I am ready. You see, during my stay in Hawaii, I felt that my chosen profession, the one I slaved over in college, giving up sleep and drinking buckets of coffee. The profession that I thought I will do for the rest of my life, because the cause of much stress and unhappiness. I decided that we need to move so that I can find me. So I can figure out what to do in my life. At 38, I can't believe that I am entertaining the thought of changing careers. That frustrates me. I am disappointed with myself. I am angry at myself. What have I become?
I am still struggling. Still searching. Still praying for God to lead me. I am blessed to have a husband who supports me in this struggle. Who understands my failures. Who lifts me up when I am down. My heart aches for the need to be someone, but at this moment in time, I don't know what I want to become. And so my sojourn, our journey begins yet another chapter...hopefully one that will last for a while. Jeremiah 29:11 says; "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." I am clinging on that promise.
Our new adventure began last August. Our life in Hawaii, though stable, was not exactly what we were looking for. It was home, but I never felt settled. Life was busy, stressful. I was so busy that I missed part of Sam's growing up. I was so stressed out that fun didn't feel fun. I worked so hard I was just going through the motions. Life passed me by. It's hard to explain the feeling of constantly running after time. There was never enough time. No time to nurture my interests, always being pulled to so many directions out of responsibility. I didn't stop to "smell the roses" because there was always something that was needed to do. I never got to write down my thoughts like I am doing right now. I have lost my sense of self because I was too busy.
I needed to slow down. I needed to get to know myself again. Hawaii is a beautiful place; the sun, the ocean, the mountains just beckon at you to enjoy it and explore. Having family around was great. But I was always so stressed and tired to appreciate it. My husband and I talked it over. Housing market was just tremendously high. Even with two incomes, we felt we would just be scraping by. We had to evaluate the pros and cons of staying. At the end of the day, we decided it is just too expensive to live in Hawaii. Perspective varies from people to people. Our perspective was that our quality of life, MY quality of life have not been the greatest. We decided it was time to move again.
God has been amazing in our journey. He has made the transition so easy. As soon as we decided to move, Josh got a job. Our tenants vacated our town home. It was going to be tight, but Josh and I decided that I will stay home and will go back to work when I am ready. You see, during my stay in Hawaii, I felt that my chosen profession, the one I slaved over in college, giving up sleep and drinking buckets of coffee. The profession that I thought I will do for the rest of my life, because the cause of much stress and unhappiness. I decided that we need to move so that I can find me. So I can figure out what to do in my life. At 38, I can't believe that I am entertaining the thought of changing careers. That frustrates me. I am disappointed with myself. I am angry at myself. What have I become?
I am still struggling. Still searching. Still praying for God to lead me. I am blessed to have a husband who supports me in this struggle. Who understands my failures. Who lifts me up when I am down. My heart aches for the need to be someone, but at this moment in time, I don't know what I want to become. And so my sojourn, our journey begins yet another chapter...hopefully one that will last for a while. Jeremiah 29:11 says; "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." I am clinging on that promise.
Sunday, July 5, 2015
Let me tell you something….
Let me tell you something…i've been thinking a lot about you lately. How we met, how we became friends, how our kids became good friends and playmates. Let me tell you how I enjoyed our play dates, mommy dates in Starbucks, donuts and coffee, shopping, and those occasional dinners on the rare mom's night out we had. Let me tell you how I miss our ranting, our talks about heartaches, our chit chats about people who's done us wrong. Let me tell you how much I miss summer, fall, and winter, because those days reminds me of birthdays and special occasions that I got to spend with you.
Let me tell you what I don't miss. I don't miss Spring. I don't miss the time I left. I don't miss the sadness, the disappointment, the loss I felt when I moved away. I don't miss the anger, the hopelessness, the wishing and wanting for something that I can no longer have. Let me tell you that the choice was hard, but that it was something that I had to do. Let me tell you that I wish I was a better friend, but that I was not.
Let me tell you…that I miss you. Let me tell you that the only thing that is standing between you and me is pride. My pride…and maybe yours too. But I want you to know that I'm working on it…I'm working on my pride. And someday, I want you to know, I will reach out to you, because I care about you. Let me tell you that I am afraid that you will reject me. But I hope you won't. So let me tell you this, friend: I love you. Always.
Gigi
Let me tell you what I don't miss. I don't miss Spring. I don't miss the time I left. I don't miss the sadness, the disappointment, the loss I felt when I moved away. I don't miss the anger, the hopelessness, the wishing and wanting for something that I can no longer have. Let me tell you that the choice was hard, but that it was something that I had to do. Let me tell you that I wish I was a better friend, but that I was not.
Let me tell you…that I miss you. Let me tell you that the only thing that is standing between you and me is pride. My pride…and maybe yours too. But I want you to know that I'm working on it…I'm working on my pride. And someday, I want you to know, I will reach out to you, because I care about you. Let me tell you that I am afraid that you will reject me. But I hope you won't. So let me tell you this, friend: I love you. Always.
Gigi
Monday, June 15, 2015
Home is where the heart is
It's exactly 2 months to this day since Sam and I moved to Hawaii; about a week for Josh. Now that Josh is here, I can safely and completely say that we are home. In the past 2 months, I have had a myriad of emotions. Most days, especially when Josh was still in Manassas, that I wish I could still go back and pretend that the move never happened. Now that he is here, it finalizes the fact that Manassas is no longer our home. Home has always been where Josh and Sam are. Now that we are no longer apart, we are definitely home.
So let me tell you what the past 2 months has been. I went back to work April 27, doing part time job as a day program nurse for my previous employer. I work from8 am - 2:30 pm. During the times that I am at work, either my sister Jenny, my dad, or my aunt watches Sam. It has been an adjustment. He initially resented the fact that I went to work. He did not understand why mommy has to go to work. There were days when he would tell me that we should go back to Virginia because when we're there, mommy doesn't work. It was difficult and painful knowing that a greater part of my day is spent away from him. It was much harder to know that it bothered him so. At the time, I don't think that he really understood that this move is permanent. That going back to Virginia was no longer possible. Over the past few weeks, he has learned to adopt, cope, and at this point, I think he now understands that this is home. In a month and a half, he will be starting Junior Kindergarten. I am looking forward to that. I am excited that he will be meeting new friends. He misses his friends in Virginia and talks about them from time to time, but I am excited for him to meet new ones.
Doing work was not difficult. It's like riding a bike. I think the greater challenge for me at this point is trying to balance work and home. Now add being a wife to that. I fear that I won't be good at it. I say that because before Josh got here, I have days when I am just too exhausted I refuse to deal with Sam when he is being difficult. I get so tired that I usually fall asleep during bedtime routine, way before Sam falls asleep. Now add being a wife to that equation. Then add being a home maker. I am getting exhausted just thinking about it.
On the plus side, I have found a church for us. All my life, I have not been to a church where I felt excited to go. Maybe it's because those church have been chosen for me? I don't know. But in all these years, I don't remember ever looking forward to Sunday and going to church. In fact, there are Sundays in church when I felt that the service was getting too long and I wished for it to be over it. I don't feel like that with this church. Now, I feel that the service was too short. I feel satisfied when I leave. Sam enjoys Sunday school. He got his first bible and constantly asks for us to read the story of Adam and Eve, David and Goliath, and Samson. It is a joy to see him talk about God and asks questions about God. We are growing in spirit and maybe this was God's purpose. Maybe this is part of why He directed us to move back.
Our new journey has just begun and I am sure that from here on out, it will be a rollercoaster ride. God has been faithful and through our struggles with this move, He has been generous in providing us our needs. I miss my home in Virginia, I miss my friends. I will never forget them, and I hope that they will not forget me. I hope that someday, I will get to see them again. As the bible said in Ecclesiastes 3: "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens...a time to tear down, and a time to build." This is our season to build a new life. And with God's grace, I know things will be alright.
So let me tell you what the past 2 months has been. I went back to work April 27, doing part time job as a day program nurse for my previous employer. I work from8 am - 2:30 pm. During the times that I am at work, either my sister Jenny, my dad, or my aunt watches Sam. It has been an adjustment. He initially resented the fact that I went to work. He did not understand why mommy has to go to work. There were days when he would tell me that we should go back to Virginia because when we're there, mommy doesn't work. It was difficult and painful knowing that a greater part of my day is spent away from him. It was much harder to know that it bothered him so. At the time, I don't think that he really understood that this move is permanent. That going back to Virginia was no longer possible. Over the past few weeks, he has learned to adopt, cope, and at this point, I think he now understands that this is home. In a month and a half, he will be starting Junior Kindergarten. I am looking forward to that. I am excited that he will be meeting new friends. He misses his friends in Virginia and talks about them from time to time, but I am excited for him to meet new ones.
Doing work was not difficult. It's like riding a bike. I think the greater challenge for me at this point is trying to balance work and home. Now add being a wife to that. I fear that I won't be good at it. I say that because before Josh got here, I have days when I am just too exhausted I refuse to deal with Sam when he is being difficult. I get so tired that I usually fall asleep during bedtime routine, way before Sam falls asleep. Now add being a wife to that equation. Then add being a home maker. I am getting exhausted just thinking about it.
On the plus side, I have found a church for us. All my life, I have not been to a church where I felt excited to go. Maybe it's because those church have been chosen for me? I don't know. But in all these years, I don't remember ever looking forward to Sunday and going to church. In fact, there are Sundays in church when I felt that the service was getting too long and I wished for it to be over it. I don't feel like that with this church. Now, I feel that the service was too short. I feel satisfied when I leave. Sam enjoys Sunday school. He got his first bible and constantly asks for us to read the story of Adam and Eve, David and Goliath, and Samson. It is a joy to see him talk about God and asks questions about God. We are growing in spirit and maybe this was God's purpose. Maybe this is part of why He directed us to move back.
Our new journey has just begun and I am sure that from here on out, it will be a rollercoaster ride. God has been faithful and through our struggles with this move, He has been generous in providing us our needs. I miss my home in Virginia, I miss my friends. I will never forget them, and I hope that they will not forget me. I hope that someday, I will get to see them again. As the bible said in Ecclesiastes 3: "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens...a time to tear down, and a time to build." This is our season to build a new life. And with God's grace, I know things will be alright.
Friday, April 10, 2015
Being Brave: Here and Back Again
Yesterday at MOPS, we talked about being brave. Being brave and trying things that scares us. As a cautious mom, I always tell Sam to be careful. I'm always afraid that he might get hurt. Because of that, I don't let him play with things that are dangerous or could potentially cause him harm. I've thought about this all day yesterday, and I realized that maybe i've been a little too uptight with him. Learning comes with mistakes; learning comes with pain and hurt sometimes. In the end, no matter the pain or difficulty, we learn something.
While thinking about being brave for Sam, I am also thinking of ways that I am trying to be brave about our current situation. How are we being brave in all of these. How am I being brave. I have to tell you, the decision was not easy; not for me, not for Josh. We prayed for an answer; I knew I leaned towards staying, but when I prayed, I didn't asked for God to answer one way or another. I asked Him to lead the way. When I didn't get the answer that I wanted, I was sad, angry. As the days passed, God made a way to set the path. We got our plane tickets for dirt cheap. Our finances stabilized a bit so we can plan for our move. We are blessed with friends who will be renting the house, and who will love and take care of it while we're gone. He paved the way so that the transition will be smoother. Easier. So that even in my hurt of leaving the home that I had started to love, He told me that it will be okay. That we will be okay. I WILL BE OKAY.
I can't tell you that I am no longer angry about our situation. Really, I wanted to stay. But it's not about me. It's about our family and what we determined was best for our family. In a previous blog, I talked about the pros and cons of staying here vs. going back to Hawaii. That's my perspective. But Josh has another. Over the last four years that he worked, i've known him to try not to take his work home. And that's hard. The stresses he go through, I cannot imagine. All I know is that when he has a bad day, it's easy to tell. Our decision to go back to Hawaii does not solely rely on the fact that we needed to be close to family. Sure, that is a big factor. But until recently, I never knew how much his job consumes him. Our goal was for him to be compensated enough for his stress. To know that even with the hardships he deals with at work, that he is being fairly compensated. And with the job offer that he was given, it was not enough. Oh, it was a good and sensible offer in my opinion. But i'm not the one working. I'm not the one feeling the pressure and stress. So I tried to be brave. I am being brave. I am supporting my husband's decision to walk away from a good paying job so that he can find one that he can be happy with. To find one that doesn't consume him. Sure he will still have stress. You'll find that in a job. Sure he will still deal with people that will make his life hell. At the same time, I wanted him to make that choice. I didn't want him to feel stuck because it's what I want. I am submitting to him just as the bible said in Ephesians. Because in return, he loves me. And I know that he will not knowingly put me and Sam in any jeopardy.
Today, being brave is looking through my Facebook and seeing something that hurt me. My first instinct is to strike back. But I chose not to. Being brave is accepting that not everyone will understand me; not everyone will understand the decision that Josh and I made when we decided to move back to Hawaii. I don't feel that I should justify it to anyone, or constantly explain why. All I can say is that we are moving to be a better family. Being brave is moving on with our lives.
In all of this, I have one regret: deciding to walk away from a friend without seeing her or saying goodbye. That hurts me. She's probably not aware she's hurt me. But I still love her and I will always care about her. And I hope someday, she will be able to care for me again.
In the midst of the chaos in my life, God showed me love and compassion through friends. Many of whom offered to buy things or take care of Sam so I can pack. Many of whom took time to show how much they care by putting together a small gathering at the winery, coming and hanging out, or a simple dinner out. So many friends who gave me hugs, encouragement, and well wishes. So many of them happy for my next endeavor. I am so grateful for that.
As the day of our flight comes closer, I feel more and more sad. But while driving, God whispered this verse to me:
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I know that God has a better plan. Yes, an opportunity presented but it wasn't what God has planned for us. If it was, Josh's job offer would've been exactly what we had prayed for, right? God is faithful. And yes, "I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philippians 14:3
While thinking about being brave for Sam, I am also thinking of ways that I am trying to be brave about our current situation. How are we being brave in all of these. How am I being brave. I have to tell you, the decision was not easy; not for me, not for Josh. We prayed for an answer; I knew I leaned towards staying, but when I prayed, I didn't asked for God to answer one way or another. I asked Him to lead the way. When I didn't get the answer that I wanted, I was sad, angry. As the days passed, God made a way to set the path. We got our plane tickets for dirt cheap. Our finances stabilized a bit so we can plan for our move. We are blessed with friends who will be renting the house, and who will love and take care of it while we're gone. He paved the way so that the transition will be smoother. Easier. So that even in my hurt of leaving the home that I had started to love, He told me that it will be okay. That we will be okay. I WILL BE OKAY.
I can't tell you that I am no longer angry about our situation. Really, I wanted to stay. But it's not about me. It's about our family and what we determined was best for our family. In a previous blog, I talked about the pros and cons of staying here vs. going back to Hawaii. That's my perspective. But Josh has another. Over the last four years that he worked, i've known him to try not to take his work home. And that's hard. The stresses he go through, I cannot imagine. All I know is that when he has a bad day, it's easy to tell. Our decision to go back to Hawaii does not solely rely on the fact that we needed to be close to family. Sure, that is a big factor. But until recently, I never knew how much his job consumes him. Our goal was for him to be compensated enough for his stress. To know that even with the hardships he deals with at work, that he is being fairly compensated. And with the job offer that he was given, it was not enough. Oh, it was a good and sensible offer in my opinion. But i'm not the one working. I'm not the one feeling the pressure and stress. So I tried to be brave. I am being brave. I am supporting my husband's decision to walk away from a good paying job so that he can find one that he can be happy with. To find one that doesn't consume him. Sure he will still have stress. You'll find that in a job. Sure he will still deal with people that will make his life hell. At the same time, I wanted him to make that choice. I didn't want him to feel stuck because it's what I want. I am submitting to him just as the bible said in Ephesians. Because in return, he loves me. And I know that he will not knowingly put me and Sam in any jeopardy.
Today, being brave is looking through my Facebook and seeing something that hurt me. My first instinct is to strike back. But I chose not to. Being brave is accepting that not everyone will understand me; not everyone will understand the decision that Josh and I made when we decided to move back to Hawaii. I don't feel that I should justify it to anyone, or constantly explain why. All I can say is that we are moving to be a better family. Being brave is moving on with our lives.
In all of this, I have one regret: deciding to walk away from a friend without seeing her or saying goodbye. That hurts me. She's probably not aware she's hurt me. But I still love her and I will always care about her. And I hope someday, she will be able to care for me again.
In the midst of the chaos in my life, God showed me love and compassion through friends. Many of whom offered to buy things or take care of Sam so I can pack. Many of whom took time to show how much they care by putting together a small gathering at the winery, coming and hanging out, or a simple dinner out. So many friends who gave me hugs, encouragement, and well wishes. So many of them happy for my next endeavor. I am so grateful for that.
As the day of our flight comes closer, I feel more and more sad. But while driving, God whispered this verse to me:
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I know that God has a better plan. Yes, an opportunity presented but it wasn't what God has planned for us. If it was, Josh's job offer would've been exactly what we had prayed for, right? God is faithful. And yes, "I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philippians 14:3
Thursday, March 26, 2015
And the Answer Is...
Sometimes, we pray for God's answer; the quicker, the better. In my 30-something years, God seemed to have taken His time to give me His answer to my questions, desires, and needs. It has not been easy waiting. I am impatient and untrusting. And since I am human, when I don't get the answer I desire, I get angry, sad, and frustrated.
The last 3 months have been hard. The last 3 weeks have been especially agonizing for me. I'm sure that it was for Josh too. A year ago, we have come to a decision to move back to Hawaii. I started to plant the seed in him that it will be best for us to be closer to family. I have to admit that when I planted the seed, it was for selfish reasons. I was sad and depress. I missed my family. At the same time, I was tired of traveling back and forth between Hawaii and Virginia. I want to have and feel at home. I wanted to set roots. I wanted to have friends and be committed to something. I want to stop feeling like a transient. With the stress mounting and frustrations with work, Josh agreed. In addition to being close to family, I would also be able to go back to work without worrying who will take care of Sam. We will be more financially stable. Yes, with the cost of living in Hawaii, that might be a little hard to achieve. But with both of us working, we felt it is possible.
As mentioned in a previous blogpost, Josh was given the opportunity to stay. He just had a job interview recently, and he was offered the position. He set an amount that he felt would be a fair pay based on his experiences, education, and overall abilities. He did extensive research on how much a company would pay for someone with his resume. When the offer came, he felt it too low and countered a reasonable pay based on his research and what he knows of the position that he was offered. Unfortunately, his company refused to negotiate and stuck to the offer, which is below our expectations and what we felt was fair. So last friday, Josh declined the offer. And now, we're moving.
The initial reaction was of shock. In the last 3-weeks, I have stopped thinking about moving because it was giving me anxiety attacks. At the same time, Josh's manager was very encouraging and so sure that he will get the pay he desires. He seemed very reassuring that I had thought that the possibility of us staying was almost a guarantee. I should have known better to believe that. There are no guarantees in life, no matter if you're at 99.9% probability. There is that little 0.01% that it will still turn the other way. Then came the anger. How unfair is that? I believe Josh works hard even with the low pay that they gave him (he was already underpaid for the job he was doing). He worked hard to get things organize and to the point where things are smooth sailing. He worked hard to make sure that everything is being done right and efficiently. He has saved the company money at times because of that efficiency. I felt that his manager and the HR was completely unfair and insulting. They are looking at what Josh is currently making and not his resume and what he should be worth. Since entering the company, Josh has completed his 2nd masters degree in Instructional Design (which is basically his current job). Prior to working for Lockheed, he has an MBA. He knows the product that he works on because that was his job in the Navy. He is considered an expert on the products and systems that they are producing, making him very qualified to teach sailors. He fits the job perfectly; but when all is said and done, it didn't matter. What mattered is how much the company can save by underpaying my husband, who's done nothing but to work hard for that company. It is frustrating. I am angry for him. I am insulted for him. I am sad for him. They don't deserve him.
I must admit that my initial anger was not for Josh. Over the few months that we waited for this, I decided that I no longer want to move. I wanted to stay. And when I found out it didn't work out, I was floored. And it wasn't easy to accept. It's still not easy. Over the past week, i've been trying to come to terms with it. To see the good in the situation. I mean, I did ask God for an answer. I didn't asked Him for Josh to get the job or the pay. I asked for an ANSWER. And He did.
It took me a week to write this blog post. I read, re-read, changed, erased, wrote, then change again. Each time I started to write, I was in different moods: I was sad, angry, accepting, calm, frustrated, anxious. It's hard. But as my sister told me tonight, everything is temporary. Including this life. Change is inevitable. She told me it's okay to feel sad, to feel hurt, to feel that impending feeling of doom and loss. Despite all the bad feelings, there were also good. With the loss, I also gained: wisdom, the chance to see my son grow, gained good and wonderful friends. She told me that all things, in the end will come full circle. And that things will be okay.
I started this blog as we were moving to Virginia 4 years ago. And here I am, full circle, as I start my way back home to Hawaii. My family's sojourn is not ending here. We've only just began. There will be more changes to come our way, who knows where we will end up next.
In all my 4-years here in Virginia, I am so grateful. Thankful for my time, my travels, my home, my friends. I will miss my friends. I will miss the home that I made here. I am also thankful that even though I am leaving the home that I made, someone will be here to take good care of it. In a few weeks, I will say goodbye to my Virginia friends, and say Aloha to my friends back home. As they say in Hawaiian, "Ahui hou." Till we meet again. Love to all.
Gigi
The last 3 months have been hard. The last 3 weeks have been especially agonizing for me. I'm sure that it was for Josh too. A year ago, we have come to a decision to move back to Hawaii. I started to plant the seed in him that it will be best for us to be closer to family. I have to admit that when I planted the seed, it was for selfish reasons. I was sad and depress. I missed my family. At the same time, I was tired of traveling back and forth between Hawaii and Virginia. I want to have and feel at home. I wanted to set roots. I wanted to have friends and be committed to something. I want to stop feeling like a transient. With the stress mounting and frustrations with work, Josh agreed. In addition to being close to family, I would also be able to go back to work without worrying who will take care of Sam. We will be more financially stable. Yes, with the cost of living in Hawaii, that might be a little hard to achieve. But with both of us working, we felt it is possible.
As mentioned in a previous blogpost, Josh was given the opportunity to stay. He just had a job interview recently, and he was offered the position. He set an amount that he felt would be a fair pay based on his experiences, education, and overall abilities. He did extensive research on how much a company would pay for someone with his resume. When the offer came, he felt it too low and countered a reasonable pay based on his research and what he knows of the position that he was offered. Unfortunately, his company refused to negotiate and stuck to the offer, which is below our expectations and what we felt was fair. So last friday, Josh declined the offer. And now, we're moving.
The initial reaction was of shock. In the last 3-weeks, I have stopped thinking about moving because it was giving me anxiety attacks. At the same time, Josh's manager was very encouraging and so sure that he will get the pay he desires. He seemed very reassuring that I had thought that the possibility of us staying was almost a guarantee. I should have known better to believe that. There are no guarantees in life, no matter if you're at 99.9% probability. There is that little 0.01% that it will still turn the other way. Then came the anger. How unfair is that? I believe Josh works hard even with the low pay that they gave him (he was already underpaid for the job he was doing). He worked hard to get things organize and to the point where things are smooth sailing. He worked hard to make sure that everything is being done right and efficiently. He has saved the company money at times because of that efficiency. I felt that his manager and the HR was completely unfair and insulting. They are looking at what Josh is currently making and not his resume and what he should be worth. Since entering the company, Josh has completed his 2nd masters degree in Instructional Design (which is basically his current job). Prior to working for Lockheed, he has an MBA. He knows the product that he works on because that was his job in the Navy. He is considered an expert on the products and systems that they are producing, making him very qualified to teach sailors. He fits the job perfectly; but when all is said and done, it didn't matter. What mattered is how much the company can save by underpaying my husband, who's done nothing but to work hard for that company. It is frustrating. I am angry for him. I am insulted for him. I am sad for him. They don't deserve him.
I must admit that my initial anger was not for Josh. Over the few months that we waited for this, I decided that I no longer want to move. I wanted to stay. And when I found out it didn't work out, I was floored. And it wasn't easy to accept. It's still not easy. Over the past week, i've been trying to come to terms with it. To see the good in the situation. I mean, I did ask God for an answer. I didn't asked Him for Josh to get the job or the pay. I asked for an ANSWER. And He did.
It took me a week to write this blog post. I read, re-read, changed, erased, wrote, then change again. Each time I started to write, I was in different moods: I was sad, angry, accepting, calm, frustrated, anxious. It's hard. But as my sister told me tonight, everything is temporary. Including this life. Change is inevitable. She told me it's okay to feel sad, to feel hurt, to feel that impending feeling of doom and loss. Despite all the bad feelings, there were also good. With the loss, I also gained: wisdom, the chance to see my son grow, gained good and wonderful friends. She told me that all things, in the end will come full circle. And that things will be okay.
I started this blog as we were moving to Virginia 4 years ago. And here I am, full circle, as I start my way back home to Hawaii. My family's sojourn is not ending here. We've only just began. There will be more changes to come our way, who knows where we will end up next.
In all my 4-years here in Virginia, I am so grateful. Thankful for my time, my travels, my home, my friends. I will miss my friends. I will miss the home that I made here. I am also thankful that even though I am leaving the home that I made, someone will be here to take good care of it. In a few weeks, I will say goodbye to my Virginia friends, and say Aloha to my friends back home. As they say in Hawaiian, "Ahui hou." Till we meet again. Love to all.
Gigi
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