Ramblings on Covid, Friendships, and Life in General.

I don't know about you, but 2020 has been hard on me. It's not just because of Covid-19, though a large part of why it's been hard can be attributed to it.  When schools shut down back in March, routines were changed, lifestyles were changed.  I, among many has been forced to adapt to a new normal.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever thought that in my lifetime, I would be a witness to a pandemic that I only read in history books.  Yet here we are.

The pandemic has forced us to shelter in...for an introvert like me, it's not hard, or so I thought.  Let me tell you though, even an introvert like me is having a hard time staying in.  Pre-Covid, I didn't leave the house much.  I would have coffee/lunch with friends maybe 2-3 times a month.  My going out of the house included food shopping, going to the cafe to read my book, or just walking around Target hoping I wouldn't spend $100 while I'm in there, just to pass time.  Covid has taken that away from me and it's hard.  It's hard not to see friends.  It's hard not to walk around Target and not feel afraid that I am exposing myself to the virus, and taking it home to my family (yes, I am a bit paranoid).  Covid is making me feel isolated and lonely (I'm sure I'm not alone in this).  Granted, we still leave the house, because we need to...because if we (my family and I) don't, we will lose our minds no matter how introverted we are.  We go for walks, we go to the store, we see some friends (just a few), we go to Starbucks, and just recently, we went to see the fall colors in the Shenandoa.  Each and every time we leave the house though, is a decision of living our lives, as safely as possible and take the risk, or go stir crazy and not take any risk.  Making choices are difficult because there is no way of knowing what the outcome will be.  

Earlier in the pandemic, when people were forced to stay at home, Zoom and video calls became the best way to connect.  I got to talk and see my elementary and high school classmates and friends from many corners of the world for hours at a time, some of them I have not seen or spoken to in nearly 20 years.  Life despite Covid was  not as lonely.  But as the pandemic dragged on and restrictions were lifted, life returned to as normal as possible, the video calls waned.  Isolation and loneliness increased and started to take its toll.

I know I have a point I'm trying to make, so bear with me.  I'm trying to share who I am, without oversharing.  Anyway, as feelings of isolation and loneliness takes its toll, so does anger and frustration to things that we can't control.  The emotional roller coaster has got me on a fritz, and more than ever, the need to reach out to someone increased day by day.  It's like a vicious cycle though because the more I need to have a human connection, the more frustrated I feel, and the more I need to have that human connection.  I miss my friends, near and far.  

During one of my "difficult days," I found myself on the phone with a good friend who is on the opposite coast from me and I am reminded of this quote I saw on Good Housekeeping that said "True friends are never apart, maybe in distance but never in heart."  Boy, did that just hit the mark of my friendship with her (we've also been friends since high school btw). 

 I have friends; not many, but the friendships I have are wonderful friendships.  They are those that defy space and time; the kind where even if it's been 20 years since you spoke, it feels like you just saw each other yesterday.  But even with the friendships I have, I sometimes have days wanting to have "my person."  You know, that person next door, who on hard days, you can just bring your favorite bottle of wine, knock on their door, say you had the shittiest day (pardon my French), and just have that big cry until all the wine is gone and all you have is a full heart because you had a shoulder to cry on (I know I'm rambling).  But today, I realize that "my person(s)" do not need to live next door (they just have to have a phone), and that friendships are not measured by how often you see each other, how many girl's day/night's out you've had.  Good, quality friendships are those that in any part of the day or month or year, would send you a text message saying "I'm thinking of you."  It is those that call you after they have been doing their errands and say "I am coming to see you," even if it's from 6 feet away.  It is those that no matter the distance, on a night when you feel so broken, would talk to you and at the end of that phone call, make you laugh and make you feel whole again.  

I haven't written a blog for a while because in all honesty, nothing has inspired me to do so.  Today I was inspired, encouraged and blessed.  I wanted to share to you  how lucky I am to have their friendship.  These days are hard friends, but this is my way of saying thank you for your friendship and that I am also here for you. 

Speaking of blessed, I got this pleasant surprised today.  THANK YOU!
 

P.S.  My friend who sent me this surprise (you know how you are 😉 also told me I write well (not so sure about that, but thank you for your confidence) inspired me to write this blog.

  

Mother's Day

I have celebrated Mother's Day for 8 years.  This time each year reminds me of the struggle with infertility, the challenges we had to go through; the long wait, the heartaches, the disappointments and the endless praying that we be blessed with even just one.  God has blessed me.  And every year, I am very grateful for the opportunity to be a mom.  Being a mom has been the job I wanted the most, but it's also the job that I feel I fail the most.  Most days I feel like I have an 8-year old son going 16.  He is smart and inquisitive and sometimes, argumentative and feisty.  More and more, I question myself if I am fit for this job.  But my son, he surprises me with his wisdom.   He made me this card at school, and I am blessed to know that even in my failures, he loves me and that he will always love me.

"I love you, just like you love me."   ~ Samuel Askew, age 8

I may be doing something right, friends. 

Happy Mother's Day!

How do you define success?

It's been 6 months since I quit my job and moved back to Virginia.  My priority has been clear and still remains:  my family.  Taking care of Sam and watching him grow is first and foremost for me right now.  Money can be earned later; time, I can never get back.  Once in a while, I get into a contemplative state; sometimes into a depressive state.  Some days I feel useless and less of a person by not contributing to the family financially.  Josh assures me that I may not bring an income, but that the contribution I bring is far worth more than the money I can bring.

It makes sense when he explains that to me.  I understand because we agreed that our family always comes first.  But now and again, I still feel that pang of failure.  I have no career at the moment.  I can't see myself in 5 years.   I get into a state of self-deprecation.  I cry and tell my husband what a failure I am.  Tonight, he asked me:  why do you think you're a failure?  How do you define success?

It is a daunting question to me. I've always thought that success is defined by your status in life:  how far you've come in your career, how much money you have in your account, how many places you've been, or how much 401K you've saved up for your future.  I mean, isn't CEOs, famous movie stars, successful businessmen considered successful?

I never thought that success can also be...simple.  I have a God who loves me, provides for me and my family, and gave me a wonderful husband who stands by me even in my lowest moments.  God gave me a son, who cherishes me and forgives me even when i'm not his perfect mom.  I have a roof over my head and food on the table.  My success lies in having my family who loves me and having time with them for as much as God will allow me to.  I am successful in my own way, in what I have.  How about you?

"Is it not my family God has chosen?  Yes, he has made an everlasting covenant with me.  His agreement is arranged and guaranteed in every detail.  He will ensure my safety and success." 2 Samuel 23:5

Jeremiah 29:11

The last 4 years went by like a blink of an eye.  Life passes you by and moves on without looking back.  My journey through life has involved so many moves...maybe not as much as it would have been if Josh didn't leave the military.  But moving is part of life.  It's an adventure.  How boring can life be if we all just stay in one place and never leave. 

Our new adventure began last August.  Our life in Hawaii, though stable, was not exactly what we were looking for.  It was home, but I never felt settled.  Life was busy, stressful.  I was so busy that I missed part of Sam's growing up.  I was so stressed out that fun didn't feel fun.  I worked so hard I was just going through the motions.  Life passed me by.  It's hard to explain the feeling of constantly running after time.  There was never enough time.  No time to nurture my interests, always being pulled to so many directions out of responsibility.  I didn't stop to "smell the roses" because there was always something that was needed to do.  I never got to write down my thoughts like I am doing right now.  I have lost my sense of self because I was too busy.

I needed to slow down.  I needed to get to know myself again.  Hawaii is a beautiful place; the sun, the ocean, the mountains just beckon at you to enjoy it and explore.  Having family around was great.  But I was always so stressed and tired to appreciate it.  My husband and I talked it over.  Housing market was just tremendously high.  Even with two incomes, we felt we would just be scraping by.  We had to evaluate the pros and cons of staying.  At the end of the day, we decided it is just too expensive to live in Hawaii.  Perspective varies from people to people.  Our perspective was that our quality of life, MY quality of life have not been the greatest.  We decided it was time to move again. 

God has been amazing in our journey.  He has made the transition so easy.  As soon as we decided to move, Josh got a job.  Our tenants vacated our town home. It was going to be tight, but Josh and I decided that I will stay home and will go back to work when I am ready.  You see, during my stay in Hawaii, I felt that my chosen profession, the one I slaved over in college, giving up sleep and drinking buckets of coffee.  The profession that I thought I will do for the rest of my life, because the cause of much stress and unhappiness.  I decided that we need to move so that I can find me.  So I can figure out what to do in my life.  At 38, I can't believe that I am entertaining the thought of changing careers.  That frustrates me.  I am disappointed with myself.  I am angry at myself.  What have I become?

I am still struggling.  Still searching.  Still praying for God to lead me.  I am blessed to have a husband who supports me in this struggle.  Who understands my failures.  Who lifts me up when I am down.  My heart aches for the need to be someone, but at this moment in time, I don't know what I want to become.  And so my sojourn, our journey begins yet another chapter...hopefully one that will last for a while.  Jeremiah 29:11 says; "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future."  I am clinging on that promise. 

Let me tell you something….

Let me tell you something…i've been thinking a lot about you lately.  How we met, how we became friends, how our kids became good friends and playmates.  Let me tell you how I enjoyed our play dates, mommy dates in Starbucks, donuts and coffee, shopping, and those occasional dinners on the rare mom's night out we had.  Let me tell you how I miss our ranting, our talks about heartaches, our chit chats about people who's done us wrong.   Let me tell you how much I miss summer, fall, and winter, because those days reminds me of birthdays and special occasions that I got to spend with you.

Let me tell you what I don't miss.  I don't miss Spring.  I don't miss the time I left.  I don't miss the sadness, the disappointment, the loss I felt when I moved away.  I don't miss the anger, the hopelessness, the wishing and wanting for something that I can no longer have.  Let me tell you that the choice was hard, but that it was something that I had to do.  Let me tell you that I wish I was a better friend, but that I was not.

Let me tell you…that I miss you.  Let me tell you that the only thing that is standing between you and me is pride.  My pride…and maybe yours too.  But I want you to know that I'm working on it…I'm working on my pride.  And someday, I want you to know, I will reach out to you, because I care about you.  Let me tell you that I am afraid that you will reject me.  But I hope you won't.  So let me tell you this, friend:  I love you.  Always.


Gigi

Home is where the heart is

It's exactly 2 months to this day since Sam and I moved to Hawaii; about a week for Josh.  Now that Josh is here, I can safely and completely say that we are home.  In the past 2 months, I have had a myriad of emotions.  Most days, especially when Josh was still in Manassas, that I wish I could still go back and pretend that the move never happened.  Now that he is here, it finalizes the fact that Manassas is no longer our home.  Home has always been where Josh and Sam are.  Now that we are no longer apart, we are definitely home.

So let me tell you what the past 2 months has been.  I went back to work April 27, doing part time job as a day program nurse for my previous employer.  I work from8 am - 2:30 pm.  During the times that I am at work, either my sister Jenny, my dad, or my aunt watches Sam.  It has been an adjustment.  He initially resented the fact that I went to work.  He did not understand why mommy has to go to work.  There were days when he would tell me that we should go back to Virginia because when we're there, mommy doesn't work.  It was difficult and painful knowing that a greater part of my day is spent away from him.  It was much harder to know that it bothered him so.  At the time, I don't think that he really understood that this move is permanent.  That going back to Virginia was no longer possible.  Over the past few weeks, he has learned to adopt, cope, and at this point, I think he now understands that this is home.  In a month and a half, he will be starting Junior Kindergarten.  I am looking forward to that.  I am excited that he will be meeting new friends.  He misses his friends in Virginia and talks about them from time to time, but I am excited for him to meet new ones.

Doing work was not difficult.  It's like riding a bike.  I think the greater challenge for me at this point is trying to balance work and home.  Now add being a wife to that.  I fear that I won't be good at it.  I say that because before Josh got here, I have days when I am just too exhausted I refuse to deal with Sam when he is being difficult.  I get so tired that I usually fall asleep during bedtime routine, way before Sam falls asleep.  Now add being a wife to that equation.  Then add being a home maker.  I am getting exhausted just thinking about it.

On the plus side, I have found a church for us.  All my life, I have not been to a church where I felt excited to go.  Maybe it's because those church have been chosen for me?  I don't know.  But in all these years, I don't remember ever looking forward to Sunday and going to church.  In fact, there are Sundays in church when I felt that the service was getting too long and I wished for it to be over it.  I don't feel like that with this church.  Now, I feel that the service was too short.  I feel satisfied when I leave.  Sam enjoys Sunday school.  He got his first bible and constantly asks for us to read the story of Adam and Eve, David and Goliath, and Samson.  It is a joy to see him talk about God and asks questions about God.  We are growing in spirit and maybe this was God's purpose.  Maybe this is part of why He directed us to move back.

Our new journey has just begun and I am sure that from here on out, it will be a rollercoaster ride.  God has been faithful and through our struggles with this move, He has been generous in providing us our needs.  I miss my home in Virginia, I miss my friends.   I will never forget them, and I hope that they will not forget me.  I hope that someday, I will get to see them again.  As the bible said in Ecclesiastes 3:  "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens...a time to tear down, and a time to build."  This is our season to build a new life.  And with God's grace, I know things will be alright.

Being Brave: Here and Back Again

Yesterday at MOPS, we talked about being brave.  Being brave and trying things that scares us.  As a cautious mom, I always tell Sam to be careful.  I'm always afraid that he might get hurt.  Because of that, I don't let him play with things that are dangerous or could potentially cause him harm.  I've thought about this all day yesterday, and I realized that maybe i've been a little too uptight with him.  Learning comes with mistakes; learning comes with pain and hurt sometimes.  In the end, no matter the pain or difficulty, we learn something.

While thinking about being brave for Sam, I am also thinking of ways that I am trying to be brave about our current situation.  How are we being brave in all of these.  How am I being brave.  I have to tell you, the decision was not easy; not for me, not for Josh.  We prayed for an answer; I knew I leaned towards staying, but when I prayed, I didn't asked for God to answer one way or another.  I asked Him to lead the way.  When I didn't get the answer that I wanted, I was sad, angry.  As the days passed, God made a way to set the path.  We got our plane tickets for dirt cheap.  Our finances stabilized a bit so we can plan for our move.  We are blessed with friends who will be renting the house, and who will love and take care of it while we're gone.  He paved the way so that the transition will be smoother.  Easier.  So that even in my hurt of leaving the home that I had started to love, He told me that it will be okay.  That we will be okay.  I WILL BE OKAY.

I can't tell you that I am no longer angry about our situation.  Really, I wanted to stay.  But it's not about me.  It's about our family and what we determined was best for our family.  In a previous blog, I talked about the pros and cons of staying here vs. going back to Hawaii.  That's my perspective.  But Josh has another.  Over the last four years that he worked, i've known him to try not to take his work home.  And that's hard.  The stresses he go through, I cannot imagine.  All I know is that when he has a bad day, it's easy to tell.  Our decision to go back to Hawaii does not solely rely on the fact that we needed to be close to family.  Sure, that is a big factor.  But until recently, I never knew how much his job consumes him.  Our goal was for him to be compensated enough for his stress.  To know that even with the hardships he deals with at work, that he is being fairly compensated.  And with the job offer that he was given, it was not enough.  Oh, it was a good and sensible offer in my opinion.  But i'm not the one working.  I'm not the one feeling the pressure and stress.  So I tried to be brave.  I am being brave.  I am supporting my husband's decision to walk away from a good paying job so that he can find one that he can be happy with.  To find one that doesn't consume him.  Sure he will still have stress.  You'll find that in a job.  Sure he will still deal with people that will make his life hell.  At the same time, I wanted him to make that choice.  I didn't want him to feel stuck because it's what I want.  I am submitting to him just as the bible said in Ephesians.  Because in return, he loves me.  And I know that he will not knowingly put me and Sam in any jeopardy.

Today, being brave is looking through my Facebook and seeing something that hurt me.  My first instinct is to strike back.  But I chose not to.  Being brave is accepting that not everyone will understand me; not everyone will understand the decision that Josh and I made when we decided to move back to Hawaii.  I don't feel that I should justify it to anyone, or constantly explain why. All I can say is that we are moving to be a better family.  Being brave is moving on with our lives.

In all of this, I have one regret:  deciding to walk away from a friend without seeing her or saying goodbye. That hurts me.  She's probably not aware she's hurt me.  But I still love her and I will always care about her.  And I hope someday, she will be able to care for me again.

In the midst of the chaos in my life, God showed me love and compassion through friends.  Many of whom offered to buy things or take care of Sam so I can pack.  Many of whom took time to show how much they care by putting together a small gathering at the winery, coming and hanging out, or a simple dinner out.  So many friends who gave me hugs, encouragement, and well wishes.  So many of them happy for my next endeavor. I am so grateful for that.


As the day of our flight comes closer, I feel more and more sad.  But while driving, God whispered this verse to me:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I know that God has a better plan.  Yes, an opportunity presented but it wasn't what God has planned for us.  If it was, Josh's job offer would've been exactly what we had prayed for, right?  God is faithful.  And yes, "I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philippians 14:3