Friday, April 10, 2015

Being Brave: Here and Back Again

Yesterday at MOPS, we talked about being brave.  Being brave and trying things that scares us.  As a cautious mom, I always tell Sam to be careful.  I'm always afraid that he might get hurt.  Because of that, I don't let him play with things that are dangerous or could potentially cause him harm.  I've thought about this all day yesterday, and I realized that maybe i've been a little too uptight with him.  Learning comes with mistakes; learning comes with pain and hurt sometimes.  In the end, no matter the pain or difficulty, we learn something.

While thinking about being brave for Sam, I am also thinking of ways that I am trying to be brave about our current situation.  How are we being brave in all of these.  How am I being brave.  I have to tell you, the decision was not easy; not for me, not for Josh.  We prayed for an answer; I knew I leaned towards staying, but when I prayed, I didn't asked for God to answer one way or another.  I asked Him to lead the way.  When I didn't get the answer that I wanted, I was sad, angry.  As the days passed, God made a way to set the path.  We got our plane tickets for dirt cheap.  Our finances stabilized a bit so we can plan for our move.  We are blessed with friends who will be renting the house, and who will love and take care of it while we're gone.  He paved the way so that the transition will be smoother.  Easier.  So that even in my hurt of leaving the home that I had started to love, He told me that it will be okay.  That we will be okay.  I WILL BE OKAY.

I can't tell you that I am no longer angry about our situation.  Really, I wanted to stay.  But it's not about me.  It's about our family and what we determined was best for our family.  In a previous blog, I talked about the pros and cons of staying here vs. going back to Hawaii.  That's my perspective.  But Josh has another.  Over the last four years that he worked, i've known him to try not to take his work home.  And that's hard.  The stresses he go through, I cannot imagine.  All I know is that when he has a bad day, it's easy to tell.  Our decision to go back to Hawaii does not solely rely on the fact that we needed to be close to family.  Sure, that is a big factor.  But until recently, I never knew how much his job consumes him.  Our goal was for him to be compensated enough for his stress.  To know that even with the hardships he deals with at work, that he is being fairly compensated.  And with the job offer that he was given, it was not enough.  Oh, it was a good and sensible offer in my opinion.  But i'm not the one working.  I'm not the one feeling the pressure and stress.  So I tried to be brave.  I am being brave.  I am supporting my husband's decision to walk away from a good paying job so that he can find one that he can be happy with.  To find one that doesn't consume him.  Sure he will still have stress.  You'll find that in a job.  Sure he will still deal with people that will make his life hell.  At the same time, I wanted him to make that choice.  I didn't want him to feel stuck because it's what I want.  I am submitting to him just as the bible said in Ephesians.  Because in return, he loves me.  And I know that he will not knowingly put me and Sam in any jeopardy.

Today, being brave is looking through my Facebook and seeing something that hurt me.  My first instinct is to strike back.  But I chose not to.  Being brave is accepting that not everyone will understand me; not everyone will understand the decision that Josh and I made when we decided to move back to Hawaii.  I don't feel that I should justify it to anyone, or constantly explain why. All I can say is that we are moving to be a better family.  Being brave is moving on with our lives.

In all of this, I have one regret:  deciding to walk away from a friend without seeing her or saying goodbye. That hurts me.  She's probably not aware she's hurt me.  But I still love her and I will always care about her.  And I hope someday, she will be able to care for me again.

In the midst of the chaos in my life, God showed me love and compassion through friends.  Many of whom offered to buy things or take care of Sam so I can pack.  Many of whom took time to show how much they care by putting together a small gathering at the winery, coming and hanging out, or a simple dinner out.  So many friends who gave me hugs, encouragement, and well wishes.  So many of them happy for my next endeavor. I am so grateful for that.

As the day of our flight comes closer, I feel more and more sad.  But while driving, God whispered this verse to me:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I know that God has a better plan.  Yes, an opportunity presented but it wasn't what God has planned for us.  If it was, Josh's job offer would've been exactly what we had prayed for, right?  God is faithful.  And yes, "I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philippians 14:3