Over 10 years ago, Josh wanted me to experience snow, and what better way to do that than to go to Europe. We chose Germany as our destination and planned to visit neighboring countries like Austria and Switzerland. Liechtenstein was a bonus. And yes, I got to experience snow. In our drive to Zurich, Josh and I went through a 30+ mile tunnel in Austria. I remember feeling claustrophobic...which I am not. The tunnel was mostly dark, except for the faint lights that were installed. After miles of driving in the semi-lit tunnel, there were sections where there was a view of the side of the mountains; a refreshing view of snow and trees. In those sections, it felt like a sigh of relief. Then you get plunged back into the darkness. Thirty miles may seem a short distance... but when you're driving in the tunnel, it feels endless and suffocating.
That's how this pandemic feels like to me so far. When it started, we were plunged into darkness; just like how it felt when we started driving into the tunnel. We adapted, did the best we could, but could never feel comfortable. I felt suffocated and constantly anxious. As we move into the summer, then into fall, the cases continue to rise and we dug in. As you drive deeper into the tunnel, the world gets darker, just as mine did. The last news you want to hear in the already bleak world is the news that a family member has caught Covid. You get plunged deeper into darkness with no end or light in sight.
In a span of 4 weeks last November/December, we lost my Great Uncle Joe and my Nana Sel to Covid. We also lost my aunt Macy (not from Covid). We had so many family members who got Covid but thankfully, recovered. For two months, I lived in constant anxiety, fear, and overwhelming sadness and grief. Then hope came, just as I had moments in that tunnel to see the light, the vaccine gave me a sigh of relief. We got our shot as soon as it became available to us. I was hopeful that we can finally get through this pandemic, only to get plunged into darkness again. We lost my grandpa (my Dad's Dad) back in May. So many losses in such short amount of time. So much sadness and grief for my family in a span of 5 months.
Despite all that, there was also joy. My niece, Amelia, was born last January and she has been a joy to behold; such a happy baby! I long for the day that I get to hold her (she lives in Australia with her Mommy and Papa). Thank goodness for technology; we may not be with her but we can still watch her grow. Covid cases were declining and it felt like we might be coming out of it. After two years, we finally got to go to Hawaii to see my family and Sam got to spend 5 weeks with his Mama and Papa. My sister Jenny bought her first home! It was starting to feel normal again.
Each of these events in my life reminded me of those sections of view in the tunnel. However, as the Covid cases increase again, I feel like I am being sucked back into that dark tunnel. I am hopeful though that like the tunnel that ended 30 miles or so later, that this tunnel of Covid will also end. At this moment though, I am struggling in so many levels.
I know I am rambling, but if I'm being honest, sometimes I question God why this happened to my family? We're doing the right thing protecting ourselves and others. We wear masks, got the vaccine when we could, take every precaution not only for ourselves, but also for others. Yet, our family still got sick and we still experienced loss. If I'm being honest, I sometimes wish that those who deny the pandemic as being real or those who refuse to wear masks or get the vaccine be the one to get it. They keep claiming their right to make a decision for themselves, to not be bound by any rules or be told what to do. What about my right to live, my right to not be infected, my right not to die? What about their responsibility to protect others just as I have made it my responsibility to protect them? You will never know or understand the depth of loss and grief, watching the impact of Covid until it happens to you. The isolation, the frustration of not being able with your love ones, the guilt, and wishing for one more day. It is unbearable. It happened to me and my family. If I'm being honest, I've snoozed, blocked, or unfriended my friends on social media who posts conspiracy theories, non-science based information, or memes that provide misinformation. If I'm being honest, I've become skeptical of religion because most people I see perpetuating false information or not considering the needs of others over their personal desires are those that at the same token, constantly posts about being a "Christian." I know it's not right to criticize, and I am not even close to being a good Christian, but I guess I am just disappointed that I used to have such admiration for these people for the faith that they have. I felt disillusioned that at one point in my life, I felt that they are my models of what a good Christian is.
In my moments of darkness, I struggle with my faith, I'm not going to lie. I am angry, sad, anxious, frustrated. But in those moments when I do feel so far from God, when I am barely holding on by a string, I pull myself towards Him over and over again. I remind myself that my faith does not rely on people or any religion, my faith is in God alone and His word. Everyday, He reminds me that He is never far. In my struggles, He shows me that I am not alone through texts or calls from friends, a quote in a book, a song.
As I'm finishing this up, the church service is on praise and worship and this song sums up my feelings right now:
"Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands
This is my confidence
You've never failed me yet.
I've seen You move, You move the mountains
And I believe I'll see You do it again
You made a way when there was no way
And I believe I'll see You do it again."
("Do it Again" ~ Elevation Worship)
Even in my darkest moments, He's never failed me. In my sorrow and unbelief, He stuck by me. I will continue to be hopeful. I know this tunnel will end, I just don't know when. I also want to share that if your are struggling, you are not alone. And if you need a friend, DM, text, email, or call me. Be well, friends. God is good, all the time.
