I may be doing something right, friends.
Happy Mother's Day!
Sunday, May 12, 2019
Mother's Day
I have celebrated Mother's Day for 8 years. This time each year reminds me of the struggle with infertility, the challenges we had to go through; the long wait, the heartaches, the disappointments and the endless praying that we be blessed with even just one. God has blessed me. And every year, I am very grateful for the opportunity to be a mom. Being a mom has been the job I wanted the most, but it's also the job that I feel I fail the most. Most days I feel like I have an 8-year old son going 16. He is smart and inquisitive and sometimes, argumentative and feisty. More and more, I question myself if I am fit for this job. But my son, he surprises me with his wisdom. He made me this card at school, and I am blessed to know that even in my failures, he loves me and that he will always love me.
"I love you, just like you love me." ~ Samuel Askew, age 8
I may be doing something right, friends.
Happy Mother's Day!
I may be doing something right, friends.
Happy Mother's Day!
Sunday, March 17, 2019
How do you define success?
It's been 6 months since I quit my job and moved back to Virginia. My priority has been clear and still remains: my family. Taking care of Sam and watching him grow is first and foremost for me right now. Money can be earned later; time, I can never get back. Once in a while, I get into a contemplative state; sometimes into a depressive state. Some days I feel useless and less of a person by not contributing to the family financially. Josh assures me that I may not bring an income, but that the contribution I bring is far worth more than the money I can bring.
It makes sense when he explains that to me. I understand because we agreed that our family always comes first. But now and again, I still feel that pang of failure. I have no career at the moment. I can't see myself in 5 years. I get into a state of self-deprecation. I cry and tell my husband what a failure I am. Tonight, he asked me: why do you think you're a failure? How do you define success?
It is a daunting question to me. I've always thought that success is defined by your status in life: how far you've come in your career, how much money you have in your account, how many places you've been, or how much 401K you've saved up for your future. I mean, isn't CEOs, famous movie stars, successful businessmen considered successful?
I never thought that success can also be...simple. I have a God who loves me, provides for me and my family, and gave me a wonderful husband who stands by me even in my lowest moments. God gave me a son, who cherishes me and forgives me even when i'm not his perfect mom. I have a roof over my head and food on the table. My success lies in having my family who loves me and having time with them for as much as God will allow me to. I am successful in my own way, in what I have. How about you?
"Is it not my family God has chosen? Yes, he has made an everlasting covenant with me. His agreement is arranged and guaranteed in every detail. He will ensure my safety and success." 2 Samuel 23:5
It makes sense when he explains that to me. I understand because we agreed that our family always comes first. But now and again, I still feel that pang of failure. I have no career at the moment. I can't see myself in 5 years. I get into a state of self-deprecation. I cry and tell my husband what a failure I am. Tonight, he asked me: why do you think you're a failure? How do you define success?
It is a daunting question to me. I've always thought that success is defined by your status in life: how far you've come in your career, how much money you have in your account, how many places you've been, or how much 401K you've saved up for your future. I mean, isn't CEOs, famous movie stars, successful businessmen considered successful?
I never thought that success can also be...simple. I have a God who loves me, provides for me and my family, and gave me a wonderful husband who stands by me even in my lowest moments. God gave me a son, who cherishes me and forgives me even when i'm not his perfect mom. I have a roof over my head and food on the table. My success lies in having my family who loves me and having time with them for as much as God will allow me to. I am successful in my own way, in what I have. How about you?
"Is it not my family God has chosen? Yes, he has made an everlasting covenant with me. His agreement is arranged and guaranteed in every detail. He will ensure my safety and success." 2 Samuel 23:5
Friday, February 22, 2019
Jeremiah 29:11
The last 4 years went by like a blink of an eye. Life passes you by and moves on without looking back. My journey through life has involved so many moves...maybe not as much as it would have been if Josh didn't leave the military. But moving is part of life. It's an adventure. How boring can life be if we all just stay in one place and never leave.
Our new adventure began last August. Our life in Hawaii, though stable, was not exactly what we were looking for. It was home, but I never felt settled. Life was busy, stressful. I was so busy that I missed part of Sam's growing up. I was so stressed out that fun didn't feel fun. I worked so hard I was just going through the motions. Life passed me by. It's hard to explain the feeling of constantly running after time. There was never enough time. No time to nurture my interests, always being pulled to so many directions out of responsibility. I didn't stop to "smell the roses" because there was always something that was needed to do. I never got to write down my thoughts like I am doing right now. I have lost my sense of self because I was too busy.
I needed to slow down. I needed to get to know myself again. Hawaii is a beautiful place; the sun, the ocean, the mountains just beckon at you to enjoy it and explore. Having family around was great. But I was always so stressed and tired to appreciate it. My husband and I talked it over. Housing market was just tremendously high. Even with two incomes, we felt we would just be scraping by. We had to evaluate the pros and cons of staying. At the end of the day, we decided it is just too expensive to live in Hawaii. Perspective varies from people to people. Our perspective was that our quality of life, MY quality of life have not been the greatest. We decided it was time to move again.
God has been amazing in our journey. He has made the transition so easy. As soon as we decided to move, Josh got a job. Our tenants vacated our town home. It was going to be tight, but Josh and I decided that I will stay home and will go back to work when I am ready. You see, during my stay in Hawaii, I felt that my chosen profession, the one I slaved over in college, giving up sleep and drinking buckets of coffee. The profession that I thought I will do for the rest of my life, because the cause of much stress and unhappiness. I decided that we need to move so that I can find me. So I can figure out what to do in my life. At 38, I can't believe that I am entertaining the thought of changing careers. That frustrates me. I am disappointed with myself. I am angry at myself. What have I become?
I am still struggling. Still searching. Still praying for God to lead me. I am blessed to have a husband who supports me in this struggle. Who understands my failures. Who lifts me up when I am down. My heart aches for the need to be someone, but at this moment in time, I don't know what I want to become. And so my sojourn, our journey begins yet another chapter...hopefully one that will last for a while. Jeremiah 29:11 says; "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." I am clinging on that promise.
Our new adventure began last August. Our life in Hawaii, though stable, was not exactly what we were looking for. It was home, but I never felt settled. Life was busy, stressful. I was so busy that I missed part of Sam's growing up. I was so stressed out that fun didn't feel fun. I worked so hard I was just going through the motions. Life passed me by. It's hard to explain the feeling of constantly running after time. There was never enough time. No time to nurture my interests, always being pulled to so many directions out of responsibility. I didn't stop to "smell the roses" because there was always something that was needed to do. I never got to write down my thoughts like I am doing right now. I have lost my sense of self because I was too busy.
I needed to slow down. I needed to get to know myself again. Hawaii is a beautiful place; the sun, the ocean, the mountains just beckon at you to enjoy it and explore. Having family around was great. But I was always so stressed and tired to appreciate it. My husband and I talked it over. Housing market was just tremendously high. Even with two incomes, we felt we would just be scraping by. We had to evaluate the pros and cons of staying. At the end of the day, we decided it is just too expensive to live in Hawaii. Perspective varies from people to people. Our perspective was that our quality of life, MY quality of life have not been the greatest. We decided it was time to move again.
God has been amazing in our journey. He has made the transition so easy. As soon as we decided to move, Josh got a job. Our tenants vacated our town home. It was going to be tight, but Josh and I decided that I will stay home and will go back to work when I am ready. You see, during my stay in Hawaii, I felt that my chosen profession, the one I slaved over in college, giving up sleep and drinking buckets of coffee. The profession that I thought I will do for the rest of my life, because the cause of much stress and unhappiness. I decided that we need to move so that I can find me. So I can figure out what to do in my life. At 38, I can't believe that I am entertaining the thought of changing careers. That frustrates me. I am disappointed with myself. I am angry at myself. What have I become?
I am still struggling. Still searching. Still praying for God to lead me. I am blessed to have a husband who supports me in this struggle. Who understands my failures. Who lifts me up when I am down. My heart aches for the need to be someone, but at this moment in time, I don't know what I want to become. And so my sojourn, our journey begins yet another chapter...hopefully one that will last for a while. Jeremiah 29:11 says; "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." I am clinging on that promise.
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