Thursday, March 26, 2015

And the Answer Is...

Sometimes, we pray for God's answer; the quicker, the better.  In my 30-something years, God seemed to have taken His time to give me His answer to my questions, desires, and needs.  It has not been easy waiting.  I am impatient and untrusting.  And since I am human, when I don't get the answer I desire, I get angry, sad, and frustrated.

The last 3 months have been hard.  The last 3 weeks have been especially agonizing for me.  I'm sure that it was for Josh too.  A year ago, we have come to a decision to move back to Hawaii.  I started to plant the seed in him that it will be best for us to be closer to family.  I have to admit that when I planted the seed, it was for selfish reasons.  I was sad and depress.  I missed my family.  At the same time, I was tired of traveling back and forth between Hawaii and Virginia.  I want to have and feel at home.  I wanted to set roots.  I wanted to have friends and be committed to something.  I want to stop feeling like a transient.  With the stress mounting and frustrations with work, Josh agreed.  In addition to being close to family, I would also be able to go back to work without worrying who will take care of Sam.  We will be more financially stable.  Yes, with the cost of living in Hawaii, that might be a little hard to achieve.  But with both of us working, we felt it is possible.

As mentioned in a previous blogpost, Josh was given the opportunity to stay.  He just had a job interview recently, and he was offered the position.  He set an amount that he felt would be a fair pay based on his experiences, education, and overall abilities.  He did extensive research on how much a company would pay for someone with his resume.  When the offer came, he felt it too low and countered a reasonable pay based on his research and what he knows of the position that he was offered.  Unfortunately, his company refused to negotiate and stuck to the offer, which is below our expectations and what we felt was fair.  So last friday, Josh declined the offer.  And now, we're moving.

The initial reaction was of shock.  In the last 3-weeks, I have stopped thinking about moving because it was giving me anxiety attacks.  At the same time, Josh's manager was very encouraging and so sure that he will get the pay he desires.  He seemed very reassuring that I had thought that the possibility of us staying was almost a guarantee.  I should have known better to believe that.  There are no guarantees in life, no matter if you're at 99.9% probability.  There is that little 0.01% that it will still turn the other way.  Then came the anger.  How unfair is that?  I believe Josh works hard even with the low pay that they gave him (he was already underpaid for the job he was doing).  He worked hard to get things organize and to the point where things are smooth sailing.  He worked hard to make sure that everything is being done right and efficiently.  He has saved the company money at times because of that efficiency.  I felt that his manager and the HR was completely unfair and insulting.  They are looking at what Josh is currently making and not his resume and what he should be worth.  Since entering the company, Josh has completed his 2nd masters degree in Instructional Design (which is basically his current job).  Prior to working for Lockheed, he has an MBA.  He knows the product that he works on because that was his job in the Navy.  He is considered an expert on the products and systems that they are producing, making him very qualified to teach sailors.  He fits the job perfectly; but when all is said and done, it didn't matter.  What mattered is how much the company can save by underpaying my husband, who's done nothing but to work hard for that company.  It is frustrating.  I am angry for him.  I am insulted for him.  I am sad for him.  They don't deserve him.

I must admit that my initial anger was not for Josh.  Over the few months that we waited for this, I decided that I no longer want to move.  I wanted to stay.  And when I found out it didn't work out, I was floored.  And it wasn't easy to accept.  It's still not easy.  Over the past week, i've been trying to come to terms with it.  To see the good in the situation.  I mean, I did ask God for an answer.  I didn't asked Him for Josh to get the job or the pay.  I asked for an ANSWER.  And He did.

It took me a week to write this blog post.  I read, re-read, changed, erased, wrote, then change again.  Each time I started to write, I was in different moods:  I was sad, angry, accepting, calm, frustrated, anxious.  It's hard.  But as my sister told me tonight, everything is temporary.  Including this life.  Change is inevitable.  She told me it's okay to feel sad, to feel hurt, to feel that impending feeling of doom and loss.  Despite all the bad feelings, there were also good.  With the loss, I also gained:  wisdom, the chance to see my son grow, gained good and wonderful friends.  She told me that all things, in the end will come full circle.  And that things will be okay.

I started this blog as we were moving to Virginia 4 years ago.  And here I am, full circle, as I start my way back home to Hawaii.  My family's sojourn is not ending here.  We've only just began.  There will be more changes to come our way, who knows where we will end up next.

In all my 4-years here in Virginia, I am so grateful.  Thankful for my time, my travels, my home, my friends.  I will miss my friends.  I will miss the home that I made here.  I am also thankful that even though I am leaving the home that I made, someone will be here to take good care of it.  In a few weeks, I will say goodbye to my Virginia friends, and say Aloha to my friends back home.  As they say in Hawaiian, "Ahui hou."  Till we meet again.  Love to all.


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